Healthy Assertiveness for Team Communication and Collaboration
 June 4, 2023 | Career

Healthy assertiveness for team communication and collaboration

How I learned the difference between fighting for my ideas and actually being heard.

Early in my career, I worked as a front-end developer and UX designer across a lot of different teams. When I’d present my designs to back-end developers and hear “that’s not possible” with no explanation, I got frustrated. And over time, that frustration started showing up as aggression. I was coming across as combative, maybe even arrogant. A good leader called me out on it. That conversation changed how I work.

What I learned was assertiveness. Not the watered-down version where you just “speak up more.” The real kind — where you communicate honestly, hold your position, and still make space for what the other person brings.

Why assertiveness matters.

Passive communication leaves your needs unmet. Aggressive communication damages trust. Neither one serves you or the people you work with.

Assertiveness is the middle path: expressing your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs directly without running over anyone else’s. It’s not a personality trait you either have or don’t. It’s a skill. And like any skill, it can be built.

When you do it well, you can express your perspective without becoming defensive, ask for what you actually need, say no without guilt, and earn the kind of respect that creates real influence over time.

Are you assertive enough?

Answer honestly. If you say yes to three or more of these, there’s room to grow:

  • You feel under-appreciated but don’t say anything about it.
  • You stay quiet in situations where you wish you’d spoken up.
  • You replay conversations in your head, rewriting what you should have said.
  • You feel torn between advocating for yourself and being “a good person.”
  • You’re afraid that standing up for yourself will make you seem aggressive or rude.
  • You struggle to ask for what you want.
  • You miss opportunities at work because you’re not visible enough.

And if two or more of these feel true, pay attention:

  • You carry stress or guilt around difficult conversations.
  • You feel like an impostor or are consistently overwhelmed.

These aren’t character flaws. They’re signals that you’re underusing a skill you can develop.

Building self-awareness first.

Assertiveness starts internally. If your self-talk is working against you, your communication will reflect that.

Notice your negative thoughts. Something like “I’m terrible in meetings, I always say the wrong thing” is a pattern worth interrupting. Challenge it. Think about the meetings that went well. What did you do? How did people respond? Replace the story you’re telling yourself with one that’s actually supported by evidence.

Your body matters too. Good posture, steady eye contact, and a calm voice signal confidence before you say a word. These aren’t tricks. They’re signals you send to yourself and to the people you’re talking with.

When you need to make a point, make it and stop. Don’t keep adding to it. Don’t repeat yourself. If it’s a high-stakes conversation, write out what you want to say in advance and practice it with someone you trust.

Here’s the practical difference in action:

Instead of: “There’s this thing tonight if you want to come. Not sure if you’re into it.” Say: “I’m going to a concert tonight. I’d love for you to come if you can.”

Instead of: “I’m usually busy on Fridays.” Say: “I can’t make it Friday — I already have plans.”

The first version hedges. The second version communicates.

The four communication styles.

It helps to know which one you’re defaulting to:

  1. Passive — Avoids conflict, struggles to express needs, often comes across as apologetic or indecisive.
  2. Aggressive — Expresses opinions forcefully, sometimes at the expense of others, disregards what other people need.
  3. Passive-aggressive — Appears agreeable on the surface, then undermines. The most corrosive of the four because it’s invisible.
  4. Assertive — Expresses needs and opinions clearly and directly while respecting others. Aims for outcomes where both sides win.

Most people aren’t locked into one style permanently. But knowing your default is useful.

When to use assertiveness.

Assertiveness isn’t something you reserve for conflict. It belongs in everyday professional communication.

Setting boundaries. When a coworker repeatedly interrupts you in meetings, assertiveness lets you name the behavior and ask for it to stop — without making it personal.

Expressing needs and opinions. When you feel like your voice isn’t landing, assertiveness gives you a way to say what you actually think without softening it into irrelevance.

Resolving conflict. Assertiveness creates the conditions for productive resolution. It keeps the conversation grounded in what’s actually happening rather than what each side assumes.

Saying no. This one is hard for a lot of people. Assertiveness makes it possible to decline clearly and without apology.

The DESC model

When a situation is charged, and you need a framework, DESC helps.

  • Describe the specific behavior that’s affecting you. Stick to facts.
  • Express how it makes you feel. Use “I” statements so you’re owning your experience, not accusing.
  • Specify what you want to change. Be concrete.
  • Consequences — explain what happens if the behavior does or doesn’t shift.

Two examples of how it plays out:

Situation 1: You’re consistently working overtime because of deadlines you weren’t consulted on.

  • Describe: “I’ve been working late three to four nights a week to meet the management report deadlines you’ve committed to.”
  • Express: “I feel the pressure of those timelines, and it’s frustrating to not be able to leave on time.”
  • Specify: “I’d like you to check with me about my workload before committing to deadlines.”
  • Consequences: “If you do, I can give you a realistic picture of what’s achievable and we can avoid this pattern.”

Situation 2: Someone is shouting, and it’s shutting down the conversation.

  • Describe: “When you raise your voice, I stop being able to engage with what you’re saying.”
  • Express: “I feel attacked and I get defensive.”
  • Specify: “I need you to tell me calmly what’s bothering you so I can actually understand my part in it.”
  • Consequences: “Otherwise I’m going to need to step away from the conversation.”

The model isn’t a script. It’s a structure. Use it to prepare, then speak like a human.

Where to go from here.

Pick one area where you’ve been holding back. Start there. Low-stakes situations first. Use DESC when things get harder. Ask someone you trust for honest feedback on how you’re coming across.

Assertiveness isn’t about becoming louder or more aggressive. It’s about closing the gap between what you think and what you actually say. That gap costs you more than you realize — in influence, in relationships, and in how your work gets received.

The skill is learnable. The only question is whether you’re willing to practice it.